Respect Your Ex-Spouse’s New Mate

Dear Dr. Stephens,
Over the past few years my ex husband and I have had a decent relationship, even though we are divorced.  I realize it’s partly because of our children. But he is about to get remarried. Can you offer any suggestions for keeping our relationship headed in the right direction after he gets remarried?                                           M.M.

Dear M.M.,
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I’m glad you realize the dynamics of your relationship with your former husband will likely change after he gets remarried. But it does not have to change to the degree of becoming detrimental to the welfare of the children you share with him. The following suggestions should help you maintain a cordial relationship with your former husband and his new wife.
 
Suggestion #1.  Respect Your Former Husband’s New Wife - Demonstrating respect for your ex-husband’s new wife may be instrumental in safeguarding the financial support and relational support your children need and deserve from their father.
 
Suggestion #2.  Watch The Time of Your Phone Calls – Unless absolutely necessary, avoid making late night and early morning phone calls to the home of your children’s father. Phone calls like this could be interpreted as an attempt to sabotage your ex-husband’s new relationship.
 
Suggestion #3.  Don’t Spread Rumors About Your Former Spouse - This includes spreading mean-spirited gossip, telling lies, and slandering your former spouse to convince others that he was totally responsible for the collapse of your marriage.
 
Suggestion #4.  Let Secrets Remain Private - Embarrassing secrets that your former spouse shared with you should not be disclosed to advance a personal agenda that you may have now, or in the future. If you attempt to win the support of others this way, this could back fire on you. Eventually someone you talk to will be empathic toward your ex-husband and your credibility will suffer.  
 
Suggestion #5.  Be Honest With Your Children - There is nothing wrong with telling your children the truth about your divorce when they ask. Just be sure to respond in terms that are age appropriate, so that your children will understand what you mean. You should also resist the temptation to berate their father or to highlight all of his faults and failures. If there is a history of violence or other disturbing incidents that occurred between you and your children’s father (and you feel a need to discuss them), don’t dump this information on your children too early.  Wait until your children are mature enough to effectively cope with the disturbing facts. One of the best things you can do in a situation like this is to pray for godly wisdom about how to leave a few positive thoughts in the mind of your children concerning their father. Because let’s face it, something good can be found in everyone.
 
Suggestion #6.  Develop Your Own Identity - If you haven’t done so already, choose a hobby or other interest instead of making the mistake of sitting around waiting for your former husband to return to you... or some other man to enter your life and “complete” you.  The Bible teaches us that a person can be complete in Christ Jesus. (Col 2:10 KJV)  And ye are complete in him...
Verses to Remember:
(Heb 12:14 KJV)  Follow peace with all men...
(Prov 19:5 KJV)  A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.
(Prov 3:5 KJV)  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
(Prov 3:6 KJV)  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

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Dr. David Stephens has authored 8 books on love and marriage. Since 1994 he has conducted relationship seminars and served as a coach to couples & singles who desire marriage success. In 2016, he launched the Marriage Success Podcast. He has been happily married to his wife, Angela, since 1988.