Men Who Abuse Need Therapy

Dear Dr. Stephens,
My friend is married to a man who gets angry and beats her up almost every month. Each time it happens, she calls me and cries on the phone instead of calling the police. She says she wants to leave him but she says she has no money, or no where to go.  Can you explain to me why she takes this kind of abuse and stays with that man?  She can at least have him arrested? Tell me what you think?        Ms. Claire

Dear Ms. Claire,
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Family violence can be very complicated because of the emotional ties that exist within family relationships. One of the common issues that victims of family violence must contend with is the feeling of betrayal if they report the violent act to authorities (i.e. police, physicians). Sometimes the victims even struggle with thoughts about how they may have brought the incident upon themselves. Some victims reason that the incident could have been avoided had their behavior been more acceptable toward the violent perpetrator.
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To be more specific to your question, many women feel helpless if the violent acts against them were committed by their husband.  Spousal abuse can be especially troubling if the woman believes the violent acts against her are expressions of her husband’s love for her. Unfortunately, many of the women who reject this “love” concept still remain in abusive relationships.  This typically happens because their abusive partner has convinced them that friends and family are unwilling to help them obtain the social services or financial assistance needed to make a fresh start in life. The crisis is further complicated by the poor self image that usually accompanies spousal abuse.
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Ms. Claire, if things are as violent as you say, your friend and her husband will need intense therapy to overcome their crisis.  The rage, anger, and underlying emotional and psychological issues of the husband must be addressed. He must certainly learn anger management skills to help him handle his emotions in a more appropriate manner. On the other hand, the woman needs to understand that violent acts are not expressions of love. Her self esteem also needs to be heightened through self discovery counseling and exposure to various opportunities that are available to her. Becoming aware of new and different things in life may also help improve your friend’s attitude and give her a renewed sense of hope for the future. And lastly, your friend and her husband, needs to get some solid biblical instruction on how husbands and wives should love, honor, and respect one another.
Verses to Remember
1 Corinthians 13 (enter chapter)
(1 Pet 3:7 NIV)  Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
(Eph 5:25-29 KJV)  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

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Dr. David Stephens has authored 8 books on love and marriage. Since 1994 he has conducted relationship seminars and served as a coach to couples & singles who desire marriage success. In 2016, he launched the Marriage Success Podcast. He has been happily married to his wife, Angela, since 1988.