Dear Mrs. James,
​
I think one of the major keys to the survival of any marriage is for the couple to understand that the relationship must go through various developmental stages to create a lifetime of blessings.  Unfortunately, many people fail to realize this and dissolve their marriage in divorce court before they really begin to enjoy some of the lifetime benefits of a solid biblical marriage. Let me explain what I mean.

I believe the first stage of marriage is an emotional carryover from the dating years.  The newlyweds are usually filled with romantic ideas about everything they experience.  They think they should be the center of one another's world and the central focus of everything that occurs in their mate's life.  Some women expect to receive flowers two or three times a week, while some men get married expecting their new wife to satisfy all of their sexual fantasies.

However, many couples fail to recognize that the erotic love of newlyweds should grow into a deeper kind of love that seeks to benefit their spouse, instead of their own selfish desires. Notable problems in many marriages usually occur at the onset of this transition period.  I like to call this transition period the second stage of marriage.

To survive the second developmental stage in marriage, I believe couples must be willing to make a sincere effort to understand one another's philosophy about life.  The wife may need to work at understanding why her husband finds it difficult to justify a weekly florist bill (to satisfy her romantic ideas about receiving flowers two or three times a week).  On the other hand, the husband may need to develop more realistic expectations in the bedroom.  He may need to cast aside some of his fantasies and modify a few of his expectations, based upon the personal temperament and desires of his wife.  (This, however, does not mean she has a right to deny him sexual pleasure for an extended period of time, at least, based upon what the Bible teaches on the subject in 1 Cor 7:5 KJV).I believe the couple who can successfully chart the rocky waters of the second developmental stage of marriage will be on the road to enjoying the truly rewarding experiences only found in the third developmental stage of marriage. 

I believe the third developmental stage represents the time in marriage when a couple has begun to truly appreciate the personal differences in one another; things that they may have misunderstood and criticized during the second developmental stage in their marriage.  Stage three couples have typically learned to ignore, and even laugh about some of the hang-ups and weird habits their spouse has. Yet, their love for one another has increased and grown deeper. They have seen their marriage go through some of the storms of life and now realize how blessed they are to have a marriage partner who has stuck with them through the best of times and the worst of times.
Verses to Remember
(1 Cor 13:8 NIV)  Love never fails…
(1 Cor 7:5 NIV)  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

_________________________________________________________________________
Dr. David Stephens has authored 8 books on love and marriage. Since 1994 he has conducted relationship seminars and served as a coach to couples & singles who desire marriage success. In 2016, he launched the Marriage Success Podcast. He has been happily married to his wife, Angela, since 1988.

Dear Teresa G.,
​
I think your husband has a point. No one wants to be constantly reminded of their past failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. Not even you. Hypothetically speaking, imagine how you would feel if your husband constantly talked about the dinner you burned, or the money you lost, or the time you wrecked the car. You see, people don’t like to be reminded of the times they failed to measure up to their own standards or the expectations of significant others. Now, if you say you have forgiven your husband, isn’t it time to start acting like it? Remember, if you have forgiven your husband, focus on the future. Life is too short to waste time focusing on unpleasant situations from the past. If you have not forgiven your husband yet, the following ideas may help you begin the process:
 
• Resist the temptation to dwell on negative thoughts about the past.
• Resist the temptation to talk about the times your husband let you down.
• Resist the temptation to discuss your husband’s past failures with others.
• Resist the temptation to tell your husband, “I told you so.”
• Affirm your husband instead of criticizing him. Let him know when he does something right.
• Pray for your husband. Ask God to inspire him with the wisdom to avoid deception and to make good decisions.
• Resist the temptation to let your husband’s past failures create disharmony in your relationship today.
 
Verses to Remember:
(Phil 3:13 NIV)  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
(Rom 12:18 NIV)  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
(James 4:7 KJV)  Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
(Mark 11:25 KJV) And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Dear Mr. Jackson, 
​
You may have a point. If your wife is the survivor of an abusive relationship or a relationship with an unfaithful partner, she could still be dealing with feelings of anger, resentment and suspicion. If she has not received emotional healing, she may also be coping with feelings of insecurity and low self esteem that may cause her to question your whereabouts, from time to time. As a matter of fact, what your wife may have experienced in the past could have been so devastating that her central focus may now be emotional self preservation, instead of strengthening her marriage. But even if your wife does question you sometimes, I encourage you to try being patient with her.  More importantly, become a prayer warrior for her (James 5:16 KJV); because your wife may need you during this season in her life more than either of you realize.
​
If you already know your wife has experienced some disturbing events in the past, why not become an agent of healing to her. If you don't get weary and faint (Gal. 6:9), I believe you could be one of the key people God uses to help your wife conquer the giants in her past. So take time to nurture your wife. Speak words of kindness and affirmation to her. Demonstrate genuine acts of love toward your wife as you patiently believe God to enrich your marriage. The Lord can work it out....if you let Him.
Verses to Remember:
(James 5:16 KJV)  Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
(1 Cor 13:8 NIV)  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Dear Mr. F.T. Jones,
​
I am convinced that if you and your wife will continue to work together and pray together, the Lord will give you the ideas and the supernatural favor needed to lead you out of your financial dilemma.
​
As for the practical things you can do, let me offer you a few ideas. Take the initiative to contact your creditors to explain your financial situation. When you contact your creditors, particularly by telephone, ask to speak with a supervisor or manager.  This is imperative because management- type personnel will usually be the only ones who have the authority to approve any leniency on a past due account. When you get the manager on the phone, let him or her know you would like to continue honoring the original terms of your credit agreement, but unforeseen financial pressures (doctor bills) have prevented you from doing so. After telling the "bad news," be prepared to offer an alternative debt repayment plan. For instance, if your credit contract calls for a payment of $100 per month and your budget can now handle a payment of only $25 per month, drop your pride and tell the creditor that.  Remember, you're seeking favorable treatment in a situation where you have already signed a credit contract that is legally binding and enforceable.  If the manager or supervisor that you speak with is unwilling to negotiate, don't get discouraged; and don't allow intimidation tactics to frighten you. Just continue to seek other management personnel until you reach someone who is willing to negotiate. 

If your debt problems are with a car loan or furniture account, the creditor may be especially receptive to working with you to avoid repossession; because most creditors do not want to incur the additional cost of repossessing and reselling to get paid on a past due account.  If you're having problems paying your home mortgage, temporary relief may be as simple as telephoning your mortgage company and requesting the use of any excess money in your escrow account.  The escrow account usually stores money collected by the mortgage company from the homeowner, each month, to cover the estimated expenses of taxes and hazard insurance. If the amount collected to cover these expenses was overestimated, you may be allowed to apply that money towards paying your past due house note.  You may also ask the manager if you may be allowed to pay the “interest only” portion of your home mortgage. The “interest only” amount may be less than half of your regular mortgage payment. The “interest only” payment technique may be effectively used for auto loans also.
Verses to Remember:
(Psa 37:25 KJV)  I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
(Amos 3:3 KJV)  Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
(Mat 18:19 KJV)  Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 

Dear Mr. L. M. Jones,
​
I commend you on your decision to become a better steward of the finances that the Lord has blessed you with.  I offer you the following ideas to help inspire you toward reaching your goal of financial prosperity and marital harmony.

1.  Agree on The Vision - To achieve your goal, I believe it is imperative that you and your wife agree on the financial vision that will be pursued. To effectively reach your goal in the shortest amount of time, with the fewest obstacles, one person cannot be saving money to purchase a new house, while the other is spending every available dime on designer clothes or electronic gadgets. The power of unity is tremendous.  If you really desire to reach your financial goals, you and your wife should capitalize on the spiritual laws that govern team work.
                            (Amos 3:3 KJV)  Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Mat 18:19 KJV)  Again I say unto you, That if two of you  shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
 
The "touching" that this verse refers to is much more than holding hands when two or more people come together in prayer. Holding hands is merely an external expression of a united, internal, commitment to reach a mutually desirable goal.

2.  Put It In Writing - If you are serious about reaching your financial goals, you must be willing to put them in writing. After you put your dreams, goals, and visions in written form, you will be better equipped to stay focused on achieving your financial goals when the challenges of life try to derail you.

3. Be Patient - Don't get discouraged if you don't see immediate results.  Achieving financial success, just like any other significant accomplishment, is a progressive activity.  Your patience, linked with daily acts of diligence, will help manifest your vision of success and prosperity.
Verses to Remember:
(Amos 3:3 KJV)  Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
(Mat 18:19 KJV)  Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
(Hab 2:2 KJV)   ...Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.
(James 1:4 KJV)  But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
(Heb 12:1 KJV)  ...let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
(Heb 12:2 KJV)  Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith...  

Dear B.L. Stone,
​
First of all, count your blessing.  I usually receive letters from couples who complain about not having enough money to go around.  It sounds like the Lord has blessed you and your wife with enough financial resources to pay your bills, and enough surplus money to enjoy some of the finer things in life, also.

As far as what you say your wife is complaining about, let me put it to you this way. The Bible teaches us in Proverbs 18:22, that a wife is valuable.  Therefore, I believe a man who values his wife should not hesitate when it comes to doing things to demonstrate his love and appreciation for her. I'm not talking about buying her extravagant things that will bury the family in debt. That would be unwise. But I do believe a man can begin with something as simple as buying his wife’s favorite ice cream when he goes to the store, instead of only buying the kind he likes to eat. Don't ever forget, many times the thoughtfulness of the giver is much more important than the retail cost of the gift.
​
In your particular case, it sounds like your wife already owns some of the luxuries that many women crave for. But I believe you can still make her feel very special if you voluntarily spend some of your own money on her. Maybe buy her a nice sweater, or maybe a pair of shoes, or even a scarf that matches one of her favorite outfits.  Unexpected gifts like these may mean more to her than many of the expensive items she already owns; simply because it will be a gift from you....just because she was on your mind. 
Verses to Remember:
(Prov 18:22 KJV)  Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
(Luke 6:38 KJV)  Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

Dear Greg T,
​
I believe many young couples experience money problems in their marriage because they have failed to look at financial matters as mature adults should, especially during the holiday season.  This is very unfortunate because I believe a notable mark of maturity is a desire to practice sound financial management principles.  Of course, I realize most people do not have specialized financial training.  However, there are still some basic practices that can be learned without attending business school.  These principles can help safeguard the average person from most financial setbacks (Luke 14:28 KJV).    

I also believe many young couples run into financial problems because they refuse to develop a proper attitude about money and material possessions.  They become selfish, greedy, covetous, impulsive spenders, desiring immediate gratification.  That kind of behavior typically causes young couples to ignore the wise counsel offered to them by parents, qualified financial counselors, God's Word and the Holy Spirit. Instead, they seem to be totally consumed with the idea of doing "their own thing".  Consequently, they often find themselves in financial trouble and begging God for a miracle (Prov 13:18 KJV).  In the midst of the self-induced stress that most people experience during the holiday season, I encourage people to take time to reflect on the reason we celebrate the Christmas season (Isa 9:6 KJV). 
Verses to Remember:
(Luke 14:28 KJV)  For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?)
(Prov 13:18 KJV)  Poverty and shame shall be to him that refuseth instruction: but he that regardeth reproof shall be honoured.
(Isa 9:6 KJV)  For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Dear Lee M,
​
Many young couples experience money problems in their marriage because they have failed to develop mature views about money and material possessions. Consequently, they find themselves in financial trouble and begging God for a miracle.  As documented in your case, and many others, intense financial problems can lead to marital conflicts and even divorce.  Per your request, I offer the following suggestions to help you overcome your financial problems. 
 
1.  Confess & Repent - Some couples would be surprised at how much easier problem solving can become through humble confession and repentance. This kind of praying can establish or re-establish a proper relationship with the Lord. Prayer can also foster an atmosphere of sharing positive suggestions about how to overcome the financial crisis the couple may be facing (Matthew 18:19). 
 
2. Accept Responsibility & Get Organized - Genuine progress cannot be made until couples identify and acknowledge any financial irresponsibility that triggered their money problems.  After acknowledging their poor stewardship, they can begin to develop an organized plan of action to overcome their financial problems.
 
3.  Get Wisdom - Proverbs 4:7 (LB) reads, "Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do!  And with wisdom develop common sense and good judgment."  Many Christians have been led to believe that biblical prosperity is sinful and understanding basic money management principles should be left to "someone" else.  However, their need for financial increase leads to their impulsive involvement in various "get rich quick" programs that capitalize on their ignorance of financial matters (i.e. pyramid schemes, casino gambling, lotteries, horse racing, dog racing). 
 
4.  Don't Pursue Material Possessions - If most people will be honest with themselves, they realize that true peace and contentment is not found in gadgets and designer clothes.  So why invest so much energy into trying to acquire "more things," especially when many of the material things that are commonly pursued hinder progress toward the really important things in life.
Verses to Remember:
(Mat 6:33 KJV)  But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
(Proverbs 4:7LB) "Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do!  And with wisdom develop common sense and good judgment."  
(Matthew 18:19) “...If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." 

Dear Distressed Husband, 

​If a formal survey were done, I am pretty sure that quite a few husbands would feel the way you do. I know if I were in your situation, I would probably feel very uncomfortable trying to handle my children without daily input from my wife. But some psychologist, and the rhetoric that various women’s organizations espouse has inspired scores of women to place their career goals above the needs of their family.  Some marriages have actually ended up in divorce court because the husband wanted his wife to "help him" by being home with the children while he worked to provide for the family. I'm not saying that a woman needs to ask for her husband's permission to pursue career success.  I definitely don’t believe a man or woman should compromise their goals to appease others. But what I am advocating is the idea that husbands and wives should be willing to discuss their career interests, especially career changes, with one another before making any decisions that could have an adverse affect on the family.
Verse to Remember:
(Gen 2:18 KJV)  And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
(Amos 3:3 KJV)  Can two walk together, except they be agreed?​

Dear M.M.,
​
I’m glad you realize the dynamics of your relationship with your former husband will likely change after he gets remarried. But it does not have to change to the degree of becoming detrimental to the welfare of the children you share with him. The following suggestions should help you maintain a cordial relationship with your former husband and his new wife.
 
Suggestion #1.  Respect Your Former Husband’s New Wife - Demonstrating respect for your ex-husband’s new wife may be instrumental in safeguarding the financial support and relational support your children need and deserve from their father.
 
Suggestion #2.  Watch The Time of Your Phone Calls – Unless absolutely necessary, avoid making late night and early morning phone calls to the home of your children’s father. Phone calls like this could be interpreted as an attempt to sabotage your ex-husband’s new relationship.
 
Suggestion #3.  Don’t Spread Rumors About Your Former Spouse - This includes spreading mean-spirited gossip, telling lies, and slandering your former spouse to convince others that he was totally responsible for the collapse of your marriage.
 
Suggestion #4.  Let Secrets Remain Private - Embarrassing secrets that your former spouse shared with you should not be disclosed to advance a personal agenda that you may have now, or in the future. If you attempt to win the support of others this way, this could back fire on you. Eventually someone you talk to will be empathic toward your ex-husband and your credibility will suffer.  
 
Suggestion #5.  Be Honest With Your Children - There is nothing wrong with telling your children the truth about your divorce when they ask. Just be sure to respond in terms that are age appropriate, so that your children will understand what you mean. You should also resist the temptation to berate their father or to highlight all of his faults and failures. If there is a history of violence or other disturbing incidents that occurred between you and your children’s father (and you feel a need to discuss them), don’t dump this information on your children too early.  Wait until your children are mature enough to effectively cope with the disturbing facts. One of the best things you can do in a situation like this is to pray for godly wisdom about how to leave a few positive thoughts in the mind of your children concerning their father. Because let’s face it, something good can be found in everyone.
 
Suggestion #6.  Develop Your Own Identity - If you haven’t done so already, choose a hobby or other interest instead of making the mistake of sitting around waiting for your former husband to return to you... or some other man to enter your life and “complete” you.  The Bible teaches us that a person can be complete in Christ Jesus. (Col 2:10 KJV)  And ye are complete in him...
Verses to Remember:
(Heb 12:14 KJV)  Follow peace with all men...
(Prov 19:5 KJV)  A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.
(Prov 3:5 KJV)  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
(Prov 3:6 KJV)  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

_________________________________________________________________________
Dr. David Stephens has authored 8 books on love and marriage. Since 1994 he has conducted relationship seminars and served as a coach to couples & singles who desire marriage success. In 2016, he launched the Marriage Success Podcast. He has been happily married to his wife, Angela, since 1988.